Sorry for this, but I'm just having the urge to rant about my ED in a public forum.
I don't know what's going on anymore. I've been coming to the realization recently that I have no idea what healthy eating is. I can set a "healthy" calorie goal, but I don't know how to reach it, what kind of food to eat, and I don't even trust the experts to know what a healthy amount of calories is anymore. I used to be able to reach specific calorie targets every day, whether they were healthy or not, but now...it's just so confusing. I can't add them up, I can never remember what I ate today and what was a different day and what I just thought about eating...it really feels like I'm losing my mind.
Something else stupid that drives me crazy: I have no idea how to be healthy but I don't feel like I can say I have an eating disorder. I'm not underweight...so I must be healthy, right? What difference does it make if I have no energy, if my skin is horrible, if I feel constantly ill, if my eyes are sunken and red and I'm bursting blood vessels all the time? I don't have a real problem. I don't know what I'm supposed to believe about myself.
I just feel stuck here. It's a miserable life but it's not bad enough to do any damage. I'm even happy with my body most of the time but that doesn't stop the urges. I'm starting to think that this will last the rest of my life.
