Meh

I'm really sad and I don't really know why. I just feel like I have so much pressure on me and I'm living so many different lives to keep everyone in my life happy. I'm always the one who has to keep everyone's secrets from each other. And the whole time I have to maintain the ruse of perfect daughter, perfect student, good Christian, blah blah blah. I'm none of that. And right now it seems like years and years of this act have finally gotten to be too much, and I'm self-destructing in any way I possibly can. I try to stop it or slow it down, but it just comes back in some form or another. I'm tired. That's all I can say. Just tired.

Stuck

Sorry for this, but I'm just having the urge to rant about my ED in a public forum.

I don't know what's going on anymore. I've been coming to the realization recently that I have no idea what healthy eating is. I can set a "healthy" calorie goal, but I don't know how to reach it, what kind of food to eat, and I don't even trust the experts to know what a healthy amount of calories is anymore. I used to be able to reach specific calorie targets every day, whether they were healthy or not, but now...it's just so confusing. I can't add them up, I can never remember what I ate today and what was a different day and what I just thought about eating...it really feels like I'm losing my mind.

Something else stupid that drives me crazy: I have no idea how to be healthy but I don't feel like I can say I have an eating disorder. I'm not underweight...so I must be healthy, right? What difference does it make if I have no energy, if my skin is horrible, if I feel constantly ill, if my eyes are sunken and red and I'm bursting blood vessels all the time? I don't have a real problem. I don't know what I'm supposed to believe about myself.

I just feel stuck here. It's a miserable life but it's not bad enough to do any damage. I'm even happy with my body most of the time but that doesn't stop the urges. I'm starting to think that this will last the rest of my life.

Dirt

They said I was dirty
So first I put myself through the wash.
But I was too dirty
So I washed my insides too
But I was more dirty
So I took out my insides themselves.
But then I found
If I put more dirt in
It felt better.

Wow

That was like a punch in the gut and a major wake up call, at the same time. I don't know whether to hate you or thank you for it. It's making me do some major reevaluating of my life. But you just took my biggest insecurity and threw it in my face. It was crushing and i still feel sick. Rejection fucking hurts, especially when it happens this way.

Trying again.

So. Some shit happened. Well, not happened, but i just found out about it a few weeks ago. It's changed my perspective on things a lot. Anyways, the main point is i'm quitting. Maybe. Hopefully. Sort of. I don't know, these things never last long for me, but i really need this time to be different. I can't keep screwing up anymore.

Okay, lyrics time ;)

From the scrapes and bruises
To the familiar abuses
I'll kick and scream but
It never changes anything

I could spill my guts out
Wearing my best little girl pout
I almost missed it
But nobody said that this was gonna be easy

This is not the man I hoped to be
And I'm just trying to stop the bleeding
I don't know how to word it
I just started to deserve it
And all my faces are alibis
And me, I'm half the man i wanted to be

Most times it all comes out wrong
I don't know the words but I'll hum along
There's nothing familiar here anymore
To anyone or anything left to feel alive

And I still taste that sickness
And it makes me crazy without it at best
But I'm in the same place i used to be
But I'm trying harder not to be

This is not the man I hoped to be
And I'm just trying to stop the bleeding
I don't know how to word it
I just started to deserve it
And all my faces are alibis
And me, I'm half the man I wanted to be

So what am I? What am I? What am I?

And all my faces are alibis
This is not the man I hoped to be
And I'm just trying to stop the bleeding
I don't know how the words go
I just started not to say no

Don't want it, don't get it
I know you won't regret it
Don't surface, don't surface
And I feel so damn worthless
Another day is gone and all my faces are alibis
All my faces are alibis

I'm half the man I wanted to be

~ Mariana's Trench, Alibis

Gregory and the Hawk - I'm Your Puppet

I just discovered this band a couple days ago and I literally can not stop listening to this song. So amazing XD

I'm your puppet
I'll learn to love it
And I'll undress
If you need it
But please don't need it
If you need it
I'll scream out

We've a secret
I will sweep it
Beneath the carpet
Where you'll keep it
How weak is that?
Wish I was worth it
To you

Review my wishes
For fair weather
'Cause I know if it clouds
Or rains or snows
You won't be there
How weak is that?
Wish I was worth it
To you

Relapse

would be a reasonable definition for this. I gotta admit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a way, I need a change from this burnout scene
Another time, another town, another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumbled out in the night in the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought there's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without you
Yeah I'm good without you

How many times can I break till I shatter
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break, let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Had no idea that the night would take so damn long
Took it out on the street while the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without you
Yeah I'm good without you

How many times can I break till I shatter
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up baby
Give it up, give it up now

How many times can I break till I shatter
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
I always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

-OAR