So.

This quarter should be interesting...in class 18 hours a week, working 12 hours a week, and on top of that, one of my classes requires about 4 hours of volunteering a week. Goodbye world, looks like i'll be disappearing for a few months ;)

Huh

I don't really remember the last time i slept on sunday night.

Anyways...i have a presentation in 3 hours...and i'm just beginning to think about it. Wonderful. I shall now practice my BS-ing skills. To the max.

College, i love you, but you're kind of killing me :'(

Nothing worth having is easy.

Meh, just some bits from a couple of my favorite songs on a certain theme. Because i have nothing original to say, hehe.

Laughing like it works
Breathing like it don't hurt
Knock you off your feet
Even if you need me
Tear you apart
I hate how i need you

~from Skin and Bones by Mariana's Trench

And even the nights they could get better
And even the days ain't all that bad
And after a week of fighting
As more and more it seems the right thing
Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it.

All the bourgeois social angels
Telling you you've got to change
Don't have any idea
They'll never see so clear
So don't forget what it really means
To hunger strike when you don't really need to
Some are dying for a cause
But that don't make it yours
And even the nights they could get better...

~from Me and Mia, by Ted Leo & the Pharmacists

I feel like posting some From First to Last too, but meh, they get graphic, so i shall refrain :p

Scared

That i'm letting things go farther than they ever have before. That i'm doing things that used to terrify me to think about. That all i want now is to do it again. Because i've never felt so calm and peaceful in my life as i did at that moment.

Castle Down

I was stupid today. Like i've been before. For some reason guys always get to me through the insecure, you have to like me because if you don't you'll crush my self-esteem and cause me insane mental issues route. It's happened before, now it's happening again. And i'm so gullible. I don't realize until it's too late that every word they're saying is probably a lie. I sometimes wish that i'd started dating at a younger age, just so i would have had more of a chance to learn to say no. I don't know how to say no to a guy who acts nice, and its screwing me over.

So anyway, this song came to mind while i was trying to get away from this guy today, and i thought i'd post it just because that's what i do ;) Without further ado, Castle Down, by Emilie Autumn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can see that I swim
Through the sea of painful
You have watched as I pulled
Myself from the floor

And you were there when I
Built my tower like pebbles in the rain
Trying to balance all that I had left
With what I didn't have any more

And would you tear my castle down
Stone by stone
And let the wind run through my windows
'Til there is nothing left but a battered rose

And would you tear my castle down
Stone by stone
And let the wind run through my windows
'Til there is nothing left but a battered rose

You seem so devoted
Your love is unconditional
You were self-promoted
I never asked you

You were my everything
My apparitional faith
Where are you when I am
Screaming to my god what am I coming to

And would you tear my castle down
Stone by stone
And let the wind run through my windows
'Til there is nothing left but a battered rose

And would you tear my castle down
Stone by stone
And let the wind run through my windows
'Til there is nothing left but a battered rose

If I had another place to go
Would you break me, is it that you know
I have no choice but to rebuild again
I'm tied so hard I can't remember when
I last walked free upon these feet of mine

But I'll draw the line
There will come a time
When I am stronger
Your words won't hurt any longer

And would you tear my castle down
Stone by stone
And let the wind run through my windows
'Til there is nothing left but a battered rose

And would you tear my castle down
Stone by stone
And let the wind run through my windows
'Til there is nothing left but a battered rose

And would you tear my castle down
Stone by stone
And let the wind run through my windows
'Til there is nothing left but a battered rose

And would you tear my castle down
Stone by stone
And let the wind run through my windows
'Til there is nothing left
'Til there is nothing, nothing left
'Til there is nothing left

Would you tear my castle down
Would you tear my castle down
Would you tear my castle down

Music :/

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angels
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angels
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and theives at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angels
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You were pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angels
May you find some comfort here

~Sarah McLachlan

wow

linguistics homework is turning out to be a bit more difficult than i'd anticipated. not that that's a bad thing XD now i shall leave my narcissistic blog-land to try to figure out whether clear l or dark l is the best underlying form of the phoneme...

Two Songs

Pretty much summing up my mental state right now. Anxiety's a bitch. Meh.

Shallow

I have been coming to a realization. A rather unsettling realization. I am probably the most selfish person i know. I don't know how i got this way. I don't want to be this way, but i can't honestly say i particularly want to change. I'm comfortable the way i am. But at the same time, i despise myself. All i know is something needs to change.

Health Food

I eat very healthy in college. Tonight's dinner: tomato soup, doritos, and diet coke. Variation on a theme, really. Amazingly, i've already lost 5 pounds =)

snap crackle pop

snap crackle pop
streaks beneath the surface
see you’ve got this image and
what you don’t know won’t hurt you
pop crackle snap
the limitless possibilities
it's art, really
it’s an intricate ballet
pop
the joints are straining
crackle
more and more each day
snap
time’s getting short
pop pop crackle snap pop
crazy can’t be so controlled
oh, but there you’re wrong
art is overrated
crackle pop snap
oh look, you broke it
like that little glass dancer doll
it was pretty wasn’t it
pop snap crackle
but some things you’ll never find
no matter how many times you break it
you’re just making a mess
pop snap pop
as many times as you break it
you won’t see -
the dance is never over
snap crackle pop

This can't be happening.

I just found out that the ballet school i went to from the age of 5-18 is probably closing in a week. I don't go there anymore, but this is really making me fall apart. That school was everything to me. It was practically my second home for years. I have so many amazing memories from that school, i can't imagine it not being there anymore. I owe so much to that school and the director. She cared so much about all of her students and she was such an incredible teacher and mentor. She gave me and many other people some of the best experiences of our lives. It is incomprehensible to me that it could be closing its doors. I'm begging for a miracle to come and save this school. It can't close. It just can't.

Feeling Sorry - Paramore

You know you're making it harder and harder to give a shit. Believe me, I'm trying. But I'm really getting sick of it.

We still live in the same town, well don't we
But I don't see you around anymore
I go to all the same places
Not even a trace of you
Your days are numbered at 24

And I'm getting bored waiting round for you
We're not getting any younger
And I won't look back cause there's no use
It's time to move forward

I feel no sympathy
You live inside a cave
You barely get by
The rest of us are trying
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time for feeling sorry

Well I try not to think of what might happen
When your reality it finally cuts through
Well as for me I got out and I'm on the road
The worst part is that this, this could be you

And you know it too
You can't run from your shame
You're not getting any younger
And time keeps passing by
But you wave it away
It's time to roll over

I feel no sympathy
You live inside a cave
You barely get by
The rest of us are trying
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time for feeling sorry

And all the best lies
They are told with fingers tied
So cross them tight
Won't you promise me tonight
If it's the last thing you do
You'll get out

I feel no sympathy
You live inside a cave
You barely get by
The rest of us are trying
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time for feeling sorry

I miss you

Never thought that I'd be leaving you today
So alone and wondering why I feel this way
So wide the world
Can love remember how to get me home to you
Someday

We'll be together again
All just a dream in the end
We'll be together again

So many fears were swimming around and around in my mind
Who would have dreamed the secrets we would find

I've found a world where love and dreams and darkness all collide
Maybe this time we can leave our broken world behind

We'll be together again
All just a dream in the end

~Evanescence

---------------------

I miss you. I miss who you used to be. I miss having you in my life. I miss my family being happy. I miss not crying. I miss being able to sleep at night. I don't want to lose you. I keep hoping that I'm just going to wake up and it's all been a bad dream. Sometimes I almost think I will. I miss normalcy. I miss love. I miss laughing with you so easily. I miss not feeling like a traitor. I miss knowing what to do. I miss everything the way it used to be. I'm not going to give up. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.

It's definitely time

For some more lyrics! Ha!

Surgery, by Jack Off Jill


I can change
I can cut it open
Look at me the way you did before
I can change
diagnose the symptom
buy the antidote but not the cure

Hold me under
cut away this empty
Hold me under
change the way I feel about you

I can change
I'll correct the defect
repair the injury called you and me
I can change
I'll surrender to it
I can suffer with the best of them

Hold me under
cut away this empty
Hold me under
change the way I feel about you

I can't change
I'll replace the decay
make you second guess your everyday
I can't change
I'll survey the damage
Kill the narcissist with his reflection
until tomorrow

Hold me under
cut away this empty
Hold me under
change the way I feel about you

Hold me under
cut away this empty
Hold me under
change the way I feel about you

until tomorrow

Number Dos

Dear Crush,

Even if most people hate you, I love you nearly as much as it is possible to love a fictional character. You feature heavily in my fantasies at the moment. Of course, my literary crushes are extremely fickle, so don't expect it to last long. Keep being awesomely evil, you Greasy Git, you :p

1st Letter: Best Friends

So apparently I'm supposed to be writing this to my "best friend." But i can't pick one. So this is to all of you - you know who you are, my Mellonhead, BFFL, and favorite Wheatie :)

You guys. You're the best thing in my life. I don't know where i'd have been the last couple of years if i didn't have you. You've kept me (somewhat) sane, you've always been there, you haven't judged me, and you've meant more than i can ever say. There's just one problem - i don't see any of you enough. That's mostly my fault, and i is sorry :(

One of my hugest insecurities is that i rely on you guys more than anyone relies on me. I don't want to be the one person in a relationship that always takes and never gives. Sometimes i feel like that's who i am. I really hope you guys know that i care so much about all of you, and i want to be there for you the way you've been for me.

Thanks guys, for everything. I love you so much.

This.

is making me happy :D I have been waiting for this for years. In 33 days, i begin my first linguistics class ever. I am about to take my first step into polyglotism. And i am in love with this book ♥

Happiness :D

My schedule is completely different now! I got all the classes I want, yay me! Comp Lit 240, Japanese 113, and Linguistics 400! (i still love college)

Anddd i'm moving on september 23rd. i. can. not. wait.

Changing it up a little

Soo...instead of posting song lyrics like i do all the time, this time i am going to grace my readers with a video of me singing(ish) the relevant song:

This is how i feel about a certain someone. And no, i won't say who :p

Letters :)

Soo...who knows if i'll get all the way through this list, but here goes.

Write a letter a day to the designated individual:

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Expect the first one in the somewhat not extremely distant (relatively) future :D

fun fun

So, i was finally able to register for classes at the UW today, the lateness of which occurrence meant all the normal classes i intended to take are full. Since i wanted to take an english comp class, but the only ones available required concurrent enrollment in another random class, i am now taking African History: 1880-present. Oh, college...

all i feel

Sky black and blue
Blue turn to red
There's quiet in the streets now
But it's screaming in your head

I ain't a fool
But I've got my doubts
Say it doesn't hurt
It doesn't matter anyhow, anyhow...

Hey we're just bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything at all

So lock all the doors
And put your child to rest
There's quiet in the streets now
But it's screaming in your head
We're passing the time
By breaking apart
We're damned at the end
And we're damned at the start
Blame it on the roses
Blame it on the red
We're running out of time
And I'm running out of breath

Hey now, we're bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything

You say good-bye
Every day and night
With writing on the walls
Everybody's gonna need somebody
To take our troubles, and our worries, and our problems all away

'Cause, hey you're just bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything at all

Hey now you're bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything

Hey now, hey now, hey now
We say goodbye, every day and night
We write it on the walls
Well, everybody's gonna need somebody
To take our troubles and our worries
And our problems all away

Hey now, hey now, hey now
Right now...

~ Hey Now, by Augustana

I love you so much. Even if we're not as close as we used to be. Even if we hardly talk, and our lifestyles are polar opposites. I still don't know what I'd do without you. But please don't expect me to take sides in this. I really can't. I'm in an impossible position. And right now, i'm just disconnecting from everything.

More lyrics, yay

Baby ballerina's
Hiding somewhere in the corner
Where the shadow wraps around her
And our torches cannot find her
She will stay there till the morning
Crawl behind us as we are yawning
And she will leave our game
To never be the same

So grow tall sugarcane
Eat that soil, drink the rain
But know they'll chase you if you play their little games
So run, run fast sugarcane

You see my peep-show booth is handy
There's a one-way-only mirror
So I can dance here with my hair down
But I don't see if you get bitter
ANd there's a button right beside me
If I happen to want a wall to hide me
If only the ballerina had one too

So grow tall sugarcane
Eat that soil, drink the rain
But know they'll chase you if you play their little games
So run, run fast sugarcane
Yeah you better run, run fast sugarcane

And she said always be afraid
Yeah you should always be afraid...

So grow tall sugarcane
Eat that soil, drink the rain
But know they'll chase you if you play their little game
So run, run fast sugarcane
You you better run, run fast sugarcane

~Sugarcane (Missy Higgins)

What am i doing?

I need someone to tell me how stupid i'm being. Before i'm in too far to back out. I know better than this, I really do. So why am i putting myself in this position where everything could go so horribly wrong? Oh yeah, because i'm stupid like that.

I don't know

...sometimes i wish i could have a normal relationship. Don't want to go into detail, but i guess i just thought this song kind of describes where i am in a bunch of my relationships, especially in my family. Feeling powerless sucks.

Fix You, by Coldplay:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you



I want to fix this. I just don't know how. I just hope i can before it's too late.

It's official

I will be starting my official training as a polyglot at the University of Washington this fall :D

Coming Home

I'm in Yuma tonight, coming home from Mexico. I'm a mess right now. Mexico was one blissful week of total escape but now that i'm coming home, everything is overwhelming me more than ever and i can't handle it. I'm falling apart right now.

Being in Mexico was amazing. I don't think i've felt so free in years. Maybe never. Now i'm home and i'm back in this world, where i'm judged and looked down on and my voice is shut up in a cage. After a week of heaven i don't know how i can go back to that. Especially because the first news i heard when i got back to the world is that one of my best friends is moving halfway across the country. I really don't know what to do right now and i have no release.

I should be over this by now

Love's the funeral of hearts
And an ode for cruelty
When angels cry blood
On flowers of evil in bloom

The funeral of hearts
And a plea for mercy
When love is a gun
Separating me from you

She was the sun
Shining upon
The tomb of your hopes and dreams so frail
He was the moon
Painting you
With it's glow so vulnerable and pale

Love's the funeral of hearts
And an ode for cruelty
When angels cry blood
On flowers of evil in bloom

The funeral of hearts
And a plea for mercy
When love is a gun
Separating me from you

She was the wind, carrying in
All the troubles and fears you've for years tried to forget
He was the fire, restless and wild
And you were like a moth to that flame

The heretic seal beyond divine
A prayer to a god who's deaf and blind
The last rites for souls on fire
Three little words and a question why

Love's the funeral of hearts
And an ode for cruelty
When angels cry blood
On flowers of evil in bloom

The funeral of hearts
And a plea for mercy
When love is a gun
Separating me from you


~Funeral of Hearts, HIM

I've been abducted by aliens

It happens quite frequently as a matter of fact. It happens every time I find myself driving to the store in preparation for a binge I desperately don't want to happen.

I didn't really want to turn this blog into a detailed account of my eating issues. I can keep that stuff on xanga where it belongs. But I guess this is about more than eating. It's about those times when you find yourself acting inexplicably, not only against your better judgment, but against everything you want and hope for.

It happens to everyone. At some point we all give in to our less than noble, selfish, carnal desires. But when it happens again, and again, and again, and every time you crash and burn, every time you cry over it and promise yourself to do better, and you never do, that's when it gets to be a problem. When you find yourself walking down the aisles of the grocery store (as in my case) fighting every step you take. Jerky, tense, begging whatever higher being there might be for the strength to turn around and go home. You might look like a freak to other people, with the trapped expression on you face, literally engaged in a full-on war in your own mind, but more likely no one will notice.

But it's not you. It took you over, leaving you incapacitated and no longer in control of your own mind, or even your body. It's a terrifying feeling.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I don't know how to combat this thing that takes me over. I wonder if anyone does.

Guess I just needed to vent a little, I will now shut up.

Stupid bus

To get home from Edmonds today, I took the bus all the way to the UW and then back again. It was either that or take four separate buses. I really hate public transportation sometimes.

Talk

You know, you talked really big. You made a lot of promises. And did you keep a single on of them? Nope. Not one. I should be spending Valentine's day with the guy who claimed that he'd be there until I told him to leave, but he was the one to get scared and run away. I shouldn't be wondering what I did to you, I shouldn't be wondering if you're even alive, I shouldn't be wondering if I made you go back to everything you did and felt before we met, but that's my plan for today. I hope you know you hurt me. Oddly, I still hope you're happy. Happy Valentine's Day, liar.

He said that he would stay forever
forever wasn't very long
He said that he would take the high road
He thought that I was always wrong
Cause when he lied it meant he loved me
And when he lied it meant he cared
And when he lied it meant he loved me
Cause when he lied it meant that he was there

~Jack Off Jill, Rabbiteen

Drifting

I can't function right now. My brain and my body aren't connected. I feel like I'm watching myself from outside and my body's just an empty shell. And my mind has just shut down. I feel literally like I'm on autopilot. People, if I'm acting like a zombie next time I see you, now you know why.

I miss him

Maybe I shouldn't but I still think about him every day. If only I knew what had happened I could move on. But I don't. I can't talk to him. He's just not there. Until now I could use his youtube to check if he was still alive, but now even that connection has been cut. I miss him so much. He understood things about me that no one else could. And I thought that it was the same for him. But apparently it wasn't. I thought I was good for him but now I think I was the worst thing possible. I was selfish, and now both of us are paying the price.

Oh Joy

I need a new job. I'm broke. As in broke. Which means, unless my mom wants to pay for it, I'll be disabling my phone. And driving less (not that I drive much now :p). Subway, I love you, but you're kind of killing me right now.

Hello World

I don't have anything to say :p
So....I will post a haiku. This is what happens when boredom strikes me. This one was an effort to keep my mind from sinking utterly into the black abyss that is school.

Danced across my skin
Gently, tenderly avenged
My fallen angel.

Okay. I have posted my first post. I will now shut up.

Goodbye World.