I miss him

Maybe I shouldn't but I still think about him every day. If only I knew what had happened I could move on. But I don't. I can't talk to him. He's just not there. Until now I could use his youtube to check if he was still alive, but now even that connection has been cut. I miss him so much. He understood things about me that no one else could. And I thought that it was the same for him. But apparently it wasn't. I thought I was good for him but now I think I was the worst thing possible. I was selfish, and now both of us are paying the price.